


Mary Margaret named the chat "Charming Family" (and immediately regretted creating the damn thing.)

by DoveoftheUnderworldx



Series: Fandom Groupchats [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, Some ships are featured/implied/referenced, Texting, Zelena is a meme child, but not really major so not tagging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-04-22 19:50:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14315931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoveoftheUnderworldx/pseuds/DoveoftheUnderworldx
Summary: Can't believe my first fic I'm uploading is OUAT text crack. But here we are. This is my take on what would happen if we put Once Characters in a group chat. Mary Margaret had such  high hopes. Rated for the language. I had to makeshift Rumple's name but here we are.





	1. Mary Margaret creates the chat

Mary Margaret named the group chat Charming Family 

 

Regina Mills: I think the fuck not. 

 

Zelena Mills: changed the group chat name to Charming Fam and the Cool people. 

 

Regina Mills: yes sis! 

 

Zelena Mills: IKR? Snow, you're too pure for this world. 

 

Regina Mills: and this GC tbh. 

 

Mary Margaret Blanchard: well I thought it was nice 

 

Killian Jones: to be fair, mummy dearest, we are an ex-villain majority. 

 

Belle Gold: oh good! Great idea Snow! 

 

Mary Margaret Blanchard: see! Someone likes it! 

 

Regina Mills: no one said a family group chat was a bad idea it's just... The name. 

 

Mary Margaret Blanchard: Well we are a family, right? 

 

Rumple Gold: oh Christ what have I been added to 

 

Killian changed Rumple's nickname to Croc 

 

Zelena Mills: lol. 

 

Killian changed Zelena's nickname to Greenie 

 

Greenie: Yass!

 

Regina changed Killian’s nickname to Captain Gayliner

 

Captain Gayliner: you mean guyliner?

 

Regina Mills: did I stutter?

 

Captain Gayliner: this is a group chat. How tf do u stutter via text wtf. 

 

Belle changed Croc's nickname to Beast 

 

Greenie: Jesus Christ TMI Belle

 

Belle changed her nickname to Beauty 

 

Greenie: omfg oh oh fuck nvm nvm fuck 

 

Captain Gayliner: omfg. 

 

Captain Gayliner: JFC Zelena I'm laughing out loud. 

 

Beauty: what? 

 

Mary Margaret: I'm so confused. 

 

Greenie: there's a reason we have acronyms Hook omg 

 

David Nolan: well I joined the conversation at the wrong time! 

 

Captain Gayliner: aye you did mate lmfao

 

Greenie: omg no one still says lmfao 

 

Beast: I'm muting this hell chat. 

 

David Nolan: guys I'm confused

 

Regina Mills: what else is new. 

 

Greenie: lol savage. 

 

Greenie set Regina's nickname to #Queen 

 

Greenie changed her nickname to WickedBitch 

 

#Queen: I'm ok with this. 

 

Mary Margaret Blanchard: I just wanted a nice family group chat. 

 

David Nolan: I just wanted a nice family 

 

Captain Gayliner: ha! There's hope for you yet Charming 

 

David Nolan: what's that supposed to mean 

 

WickedBitch: lol fight 

 

#Queen: lovers' quarrel 

 

Emma Swan: OTP tbh 

 

#Queen: Yass Emma's here 

 

#Queen set Emma's nickname to Bae 

 

Bae: Fam he died 

 

#Queen: ah ffs the enchanted forest and modern technology aren't compatible 

 

Bae: lol IKR- me telling hook that the tv characters can't hear him. They're not fairies putting on a play. 

 

WickedBitch: adorable omfg 

 

Captain Gayliner: Emma!! That was one time omfg

 

Mary Margaret Blanchard: oh, Hook! 

 

Beauty: *dead* sorry 

 

Captain Gayliner: Stfu Lacey 

 

Beauty: Bitch. 

 

Mary Margaret Blanchard: can we tone down the swearing? There's a child in this chat. 

 

Henry Mills: this child was technically dead dw he's seen worse. 

 

#Queen: Henry! Yooo. 

 

Henry Mills: mom I'm in the house wtf 

 

#Queen: yeah but not in the same room. Come downstairs I've got cookies. 

 

Henry Mills: awesome. 

 

#Queen set Henry's nickname to My Son is Better than Yours tbh 

 

Bae: yes tho. @#Queen we have an awesome kid. 

Btw if you have cookies I'm OMW with wine. 

 

Mary Margaret Blanchard: ooh sounds fun! 

 

Henry: Charming party at the Mayor's house lmao I'll tell my friends 

 

#Queen: Henry Daniel Mills I s2g I'll kill you 

 

Emma Swan: Henry listen to your other mother lol 

 

#Queen: Party at the Mayor's house for people in the GC ONLY. 

 

David Nolan: yay! 

 

Captain Gayliner: JFC Charming 

 

Beauty: guys spam Rumple so he sees this 

 

Bae: wtf you're married just tell him 

 

WickedBitch: nah Belle's idea is more fun @Beast

 

Captain Gayliner: seconded @Beast

 

David: Spam is fun @Beast

@Beast

@Beast 

#Queen: @Beast 

 

Beast: I hate all of you. But I'll bring over Doritos. 

 

WickedBitch: YASS


	2. Attack of the Red Apple Emojis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turning up the crack a little bit. Gonna end up mentioning like all of the ships but it'll mostly be crack even if I do ship it.   
> I can't acc include emojis so it'll just be between asterisks.

WickedBitch changed the chat colours (green) and set the emoji to *(red) apple emoji*

 

WickedBitch: wtf where is the green apple?? 

Wtf 

Propaganda 

#bullshit 

@#Queen wtf is this 

 

#Queen: lmao how'd'you like them apples 

*apple*

 

*apple*

 

*apple*

 

*apple*

 

*apple*

 

*apple*

 

*apple*

Mary Margaret Blanchard: #triggered 

 

#Queen: aw that's a joke! I'm so proud 

 

#Queen set Mary Margaret's nickname to SnowFunny 

 

David: why is everyone awake I'm still hanging Plz sh 

 

Captain Gayliner: use the tab on the side of the talking phone that makes the noises stop. 

 

David: Wut. 

 

Captain Gayliner: there's a sliding button. 

It is on the left of the talking phone 

 

#Queen: he has an android Hook 

 

Captain Gayliner: wtf is that 

 

David: my talking phone is different to yours dw I've muted it tho 

 

WickedBitch: Charming your fucking incompetence is iconic 

 

David: I'm hungover so I'm taking that as a compliment. 

 

WickedBitch set David's nickname to Charming

 

#Queen: JFC can anyone Charming hold their drink? 

 

Bae: meeeeeeeeeeee

 

Bae set her nickname to Mrs Gayliner 

 

Mrs Gayliner: bc I'm gay for hook. 

 

WickedBitch: you're straight for Hook. You're gay for @#Queen 

 

Mrs Gayliner: lol true 

 

Mrs Gayliner changed her nickname to Mrs Mills 

 

Captain Gayliner: I.... 

 

Mrs Mills changed Captain Gayliner's nickname to Gay Emo 

 

Gay Emo: idek wtf an emo is. 

 

Mrs Mills: remember I took you to that store Hot Topic? 

 

Gay Emo: yes? 

 

Mrs Mills: Emos really like it there. 

 

Gay Emo: ah. That doesn't explain why you left me for Regina. 

 

#Queen: bc she's gay. As are you. For Charming. 

 

Charming: I'm gay for you too, buddy. 

 

Rumple: I'm surrounded by idiots. 

 

Henry: I'm with Grandpa. @#Queen I'm heading out. 

 

#Queen: where are you going this early and your mothers both hungover wtf 

 

WickedBitch: lurking is fun. 

 

Beast: Ikr? All the drama but not getting involved. Never thought either of us would avoid meddling. 

 

Mrs Mills: stfu. Henry wyd. 

 

Henry: just going out with friends 

 

#Queen: what friends? 

 

WickedBitch: ooooh!!

 

Mrs Mills: that's not what she meant 

 

WickedBitch: #wives. 

 

Gay Emo: @WickedBitch pm I want to talk shit. 

 

Beast: omg 

 

#Queen: @Henry you can't avoid this convo just bc your family is weird and either hungover or still drunk. Also: where tf is Belle? 

 

SnowFunny: she went home. Also I'm not dying bc I didn't drink. 

 

Mrs Mills: mom you're so pure. @Henry who you meeting. Listen to your other mother. 

 

Henry: a friend from school. 

 

Mrs Mills: a GIRL!?!?

 

Henry: nah a friend. 

 

#Queen: full name plz? What they parents do? Do I know them? 

 

Henry: er.... 

 

Henry: it's Peter. 

 

Mrs Mills: PAN!?!?

 

#Queen: PAN!? 

 

Omfg he tried to kill you. 

Omfg he kinda managed to. 

Omfg wtf omg Henry Daniel Mills 

 

Beast: didn't we kill him? Like twice? Don't we manage to repeatedly kill my parents? 

 

WickedBitch: lmao ran your mum over. 

 

Beast: Ik. 

 

WickedBitch: #oops. 

 

Beast: where's the bloody eye-roll emoji 

 

Gay Emo: ngl @Beast I fucked your dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just btw I'm not adding Pan. I'm not adding any more characters- there'll just be references for the sake of crack. Peter is just a boy of the same name.


	3. Chapter 3

WickedBitch changed the group chat to Wicked Always Wins

 

Gay Emo: What did you do?

 

#Queen: as long as it wasn't illegal idm. 

Also Evil is better js. 

 

WickedBitch: fear not sis. Was just in a good mood. 

Also Wicked is better. 

 

#Queen: oh please. Evil handed Wicked it's ass. 

 

WickedBitch: Good always triumphs over Evil. Wicked always wins. Honestly Gina get your head out of you ass lol. 

 

#Queen: Excuse me?

 

Gay Emo: they're synonyms. 

 

#Queen: your villain title is "captain" what do you know?

 

WickedBitch: exactly. Stay out of this, Gayer Jack Sparrow. 

 

Gay Emo: who tf is that? Also I'm still not a homosexual. 

 

#Queen: no but you're queer. P sure no one in this chat is 100% straight. 

 

Mrs Mills: can confirm! 

 

Mrs Mills changed the Chat name to Storybrooke LGBT Society 

 

Beast: this group gets worse every day. 

 

Beast: @Gay Emo I'm still angry. 

 

Gay Emo: I think I can live with that. 

 

David Nolan: What the fuck did I miss. 

 

Belle: I love this chat! I'm straight tho. 

 

WickedBitch: you are!?!?

 

SnowFunny: let's see soo Hook, Emma, Regina, me... who else?

 

David: wait what? 

 

SnowFunny: what? 

 

David: you? 

 

WickedBitch: oh goodie! Drama! 

 

Beast: @WickedBitch popcorn? 

 

Gay Emo: oh this is delightful. Can I join the viewing party? 

 

David: snow why didn't you tell me

 

Beast: no you can't you fucked my dad. 

 

SnowFunny: I thought you knew! 

 

Gay Emo: also your ex wife. 

 

SnowFunny: PM 

 

WickedBitch: oh ffs. 

 

WickedBitch: @Gay Emo I blame you for scaring off the fun. 

 

Beast: same. 

 

Beauty: @Beast you have to leave too. It's nacho night. 

 

Beast: later losers. 

 

Henry: what the fuck. 

 

#Queen: Henry! Language! 

 

Mrs Mills: Language! 

 

Henry: you've both said worse in this gc alone. I'm going out again. 

 

#Queen: well fuck this! @Mrs Mills @WickedBitch come over we're watching mean girls. 

 

#Queen: also Henry tell Peter to change his name. I'm triggered every time I say it. 

 

Henry: what the fuck

 

Mrs Mills: JFC I'm getting you a goddamn swear jar. 

 

*in the PM with Charming and Snow* 

 

Mary Margaret Blanchard: I didn't tell you because I thought you knew!

 

David Nolan: Fuck, I thought it was just me! 

 

Mary Margaret Blanchard: Well, I’m sorry but I literally made out with Ruby at Gina’s New Year’s do!

 

David Nolan: Yeah but I made out with Hook.

 

Mary Margaret Blanchard: I thought you went all the way!

 

David: Nah, we stopped bc he realized he wouldn’t be able to look his wife in the eye if he did it with her father. 

 

Mary Margaret Blanchard: He didn’t have that complaint with me…

 

David Nolan: omfg what?

 

Mary Margaret: JK, you’re the only man I’ve ever slept with. Everyone else was a woman because I’m basically a lesbian. 

 

David Nolan: I don’t know how to react to that. I’m just bi. 

 

Back in the GC 

 

Henry Mills: guys? 

 

Beauty: Hi Henry 

 

Henry: hi Grandma 

 

Henry: so I was talking to my friend and basically now I'm having kind of an identity crisis

 

Beauty: oh gosh can I help? 

 

Henry: idk. Well basically my adoptive mother is my step-great grandmother, my maternal grandparents are the same age as my mother and also my adoptive mother. My paternal step-grandmother is also the same age. Meanwhile my step-dad is also my father's step-dad and I scrolled up and apparently he..... with my great grandfather. Said great grandfather was killed twice after being eternally a teenager also my great grandmother was killed by my grandfather too. 

 

Am I missing anything? 

 

Mrs Mills: your aunt/step great aunt slept with your adoptive mother's ex boyfriend and got pregnant and everyone else named the baby after the father also your uncle, who is like what? Thirteen years younger than you? Is named after your father who was taken in temporarily by your step father. 

 

Henry: holy fuck

 

#Queen: omfg put a nickel in the swear jar 

Also your adoptive mother made out with your bio mother who is my step granddaughter. It was while drunk ages ago before she married your stepdad dw. 

 

Henry: omfg.


End file.
